| | I know no one reads this anymore but I don't really care. I just need to write. I moved and my journal is packed in a box but I'm not using that as an excuse because I know where it is and I could write in it if I need to. But I have been having a hard time bring myself to write in it because I feel haunted by my thoughts and feelings that I have recorded in its pages. I know that sounds really dramatic but I feel trapped by my desires and what I wanted and what I can't want anymore. I've been pushing Seth to make sure to put in the insurance papers to the company we work for because I really need to talk to someone and I need the insurance to front the therapy bills. I feel trapped in my skin. I want to be happy, I thought I would be happy, and sometimes I am. But most days I just go to bed at 8pm right after work because I don't want to think about anything. As you know, I didn't get accepted into Grad school which was and still is my biggest desire. The only time I felt like I had a purpose and was worth something was in school. I need to feel needed. I feel needed in a basic sense but I know there must be something more out there to make me feel fulfilled. No one else seems to need this like I do. I really crave someone to be able to talk to and understand and who I don't feel worried about hurting or making afraid. It feels better to write already. I wish I knew what passion felt like again. I need to find some passion. This is just whining, I realize that but I don't care anymore. I need to whine to be able to make some sense out of the storm in my brain. I have a really hard time sleeping at night and so I'm tired throughout the day and just want to go to sleep but when I get that chance, its not a refuge like it used to be, its where I become a prisoner to myself and a slave to my thoughts which I try desperately to change. Someone let me out.
|
| | Posted 9/26/2008 3:05 PM - 21 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
