| | So its gotten somewhat better. I don't know why I've been so frustrated with life lately, it seems to build and build until I can't stand it anymore and then I come crumbling down. But the strange thing is, after I'm a complete mess I guess there is no where else but up to go because I start feeling better and start the cycle over again. I'm trying to force myself on the upward today. My day started out pretty weird because I had terrible nightmares all night long. One of the dreams was confusing though because I really enjoyed it but it brought me such paint along with it. I was with someone and was so happy but I knew it couldn't stay that way and I kept waking up a little bit and I would be so sad when I would wake up because I wasn't with that person anymore. Even in the dream I knew it couldn't stay that way but my fantasy ran away with me. I've realized I've been struggling with my dreams. I often felt like my dreams are lost. I've always wanted to go to Grad school and it seems like that option is being pushed further and further away from me and I can't understand it. I've worked so hard for it and thats what I've always done when I really want something, I've worked and worked until I got it but I think maybe I'm being taught something. There have been several things these past years that I've worked really really hard to get and when I come close to getting everything I want they are slapped from my hand like a hot pepper from a child. I'm so confused. Everything I've worked for and dreamed about and wanted is not what I'm being given by God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining...well...maybe a little, but I'm just so confused about what to do now. I read a quote in the Ensign that really helped put my mind at peace though and I keep thinking about it because it seemed to be speaking to me and my concerns about my dreams. This is what it says:
“Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has
enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are
enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. … We have
enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith” (“The
Joy of Womanhood,” Liahona, Jan. 2001, 18; Ensign, Nov. 2000, 15).
That really hit me hard because I really want to excel in a worldly sense and thats what I have be pursuing. I really miss that sense of acomplishment that I recieved in college. I also think I have an obsession with my fantasies and am having an excrusiating time letting them go and sumbit myself to new fantasies and new realities. I had my mind set so long on one future and one mate and one way of living my life and I am struggling with letting them go because I don't want to but I'm being forced to. I thrive on the sense that I am going forward and that I can see my goal and know where I'm going. I'm having a really hard time going on faith and not seeing my end. I feel like I'm wandering blind withonly an idea of where I want to be. I am also really missing my friends and those who I used to share so much with. They are all gone now and I'm lonely without them. But enough of this depressing stuff, even though it makes me feel better when I get it out. Because if I don't get it out, it sits in my brain and rots and poisons my thoughts and feelings. This way its out there, somewhere, no longer festering in my brain. I feel like I've told SOMEONE even if in reality I havn't and no one will ever read this. But thats ok I guess, its there and maybe when I find the ability to talk to someone in this way, I wont need this anymore. But until then, my thoughts are here and my feelings can now start fresh. Thank you for that.
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| | Posted 9/29/2008 10:03 AM - 21 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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