ClassicalRocker's Xanga

And then there were some

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:03:46 GMT

So its gotten somewhat better. I don't know why I've been so frustrated with life lately, it seems to build and build until I can't stand it anymore and then I come crumbling down. But the strange thing is, after I'm a complete mess I guess there is no where else but up to go because I start feeling better and start the cycle over again. I'm trying to force myself on the upward today. My day started out pretty weird because I had terrible nightmares all night long. One of the dreams was confusing though because I really enjoyed it but it brought me such paint along with it. I was with someone and was so happy but I knew it couldn't stay that way and I kept waking up a little bit and I would be so sad when I would wake up because I wasn't with that person anymore. Even in the dream I knew it couldn't stay that way but my fantasy ran away with me. I've realized I've been struggling with my dreams. I often felt like my dreams are lost. I've always wanted to go to Grad school and it seems like that option is being pushed further and further away from me and I can't understand it. I've worked so hard for it and thats what I've always done when I really want something, I've worked and worked until I got it but I think maybe I'm being taught something. There have been several things these past years that I've worked really really hard to get and when I come close to getting everything I want they are slapped from my hand like a hot pepper from a child. I'm so confused. Everything I've worked for and dreamed about and wanted is not what I'm being given by God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining...well...maybe a little, but I'm just so confused about what to do now. I read a quote in the Ensign that really helped put my mind at peace though and I keep thinking about it because it seemed to be speaking to me and my concerns about my dreams. This is what it says:
“Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. … We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith” (“The Joy of Womanhood,” Liahona, Jan. 2001, 18; Ensign, Nov. 2000, 15).
That really hit me hard because I really want to excel in a worldly sense and thats what I have be pursuing. I really miss that sense of acomplishment that I recieved in college. I also think I have an obsession with my fantasies and am having an excrusiating time letting them go and sumbit myself to new fantasies and new realities. I had my mind set so long on one future and one mate and one way of living my life and I am struggling with letting them go because I don't want to but I'm being forced to. I thrive on the sense that I am going forward and that I can see my goal and know where I'm going. I'm having a really hard time going on faith and not seeing my end. I feel like I'm wandering blind withonly an idea of where I want to be. I am also really missing my friends and those who I used to share so much with. They are all gone now and I'm lonely without them. But enough of this depressing stuff, even though it makes me feel better when I get it out. Because if I don't get it out, it sits in my brain and rots and poisons my thoughts and feelings. This way its out there, somewhere, no longer festering in my brain. I feel like I've told SOMEONE even if in reality I havn't and no one will ever read this. But thats ok I guess, its there and maybe when I find the ability to talk to someone in this way, I wont need this anymore. But until then, my thoughts are here and my feelings can now start fresh. Thank you for that.

Where's the Beef?

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:05:17 GMT

I know no one reads this anymore but I don't really care. I just need to write. I moved and my journal is packed in a box but I'm not using that as an excuse because I know where it is and I could write in it if I need to. But I have been having a hard time bring myself to write in it because I feel haunted by my thoughts and feelings that I have recorded in its pages. I know that sounds really dramatic but I feel trapped by my desires and what I wanted and what I can't want anymore. I've been pushing Seth to make sure to put in the insurance papers to the company we work for because I really need to talk to someone and I need the insurance to front the therapy bills. I feel trapped in my skin. I want to be happy, I thought I would be happy, and sometimes I am. But most days I just go to bed at 8pm right after work because I don't want to think about anything. As you know, I didn't get accepted into Grad school which was and still is my biggest desire. The only time I felt like I had a purpose and was worth something was in school. I need to feel needed. I feel needed in a basic sense but I know there must be something more out there to make me feel fulfilled. No one else seems to need this like I do. I really crave someone to be able to talk to and understand and who I don't feel worried about hurting or making afraid. It feels better to write already. I wish I knew what passion felt like again. I need to find some passion. This is just whining, I realize that but I don't care anymore. I need to whine to be able to make some sense out of the storm in my brain. I have a really hard time sleeping at night and so I'm tired throughout the day and just want to go to sleep but when I get that chance, its not a refuge like it used to be, its where I become a prisoner to myself and a slave to my thoughts which I try desperately to change. Someone let me out.

Yuck

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 20:43:39 GMT

So I got my wisdom teeth out today. It was a really weird experiance for me. I was pretty terrified to tell the truth. But the funny thing is that I wasn't scared about the surgery, but I was really afraid of the IV that they were going to give me. After taking my mom to the hospital so many times you think it wouldn't make me scared of needles but I think it grew that fear. Everytime I get an iv I remember my mom and how much pain she was in all the time. It doesn't really help that my veins are kinda hard to find like hers were. Ok, annoying side note, so I have gauze in my mouth right now and cant talk worth...well anything really and someone keeps calling me and I dont know the number! Its driving me crazy, I wish they would just leave a messege. Its interesting that when I can't talk, I realize what a big mouth I have when I can talk. Seriously, I am constatnly talking! And now that I can't, I realize how nice it is to listen. I almost feel like a monk taking a vow of silence and its kinda nice to tell you to truth. The great thing is, no one preasures me to talk, they just come over to enjoy my presence. A lot can be said without talking. It feels good to write again. My days have been up and down to the point that somedays I think I have forgetten who I am. AH! That person called again and didn't leave a messege! Anyway, back to the teeth experience. So I got there and they were running behind so I had to wait for about an hour anticipating this lovely experiance yet to come. So they put a hair net on me, and take my blood preasure and put a heart monitor on my wrist and ankle, I didn't know it was going to be this intense. Then, yet again, I sat and waited. They had two large windows in the room, one right infront of me and one to my left that looked outside. But, they had blue screens covering most of the windows except for about six inches at the top so I could only see some tree brances and new leaves blowing. I wanted to see more, but then I realized that no one wanted to see my bloody mouth as they walked by. That realization for some reason made me a bit nervous. I was going to be asleep during the surgery, and that oddly gave my comfort like it wasn't really going to happen. I was just going to sleep and wake up and it would all have been a crule joke. No such luck. But the doctor came in and he asked how I was doing and if I was ready. I laghed at that. Probably not one of the nicest things to do, but I wasn't feeling too nice. I told him I was nervous about the IV and he said he would walk me through it, he was very nice. Although, he reminded me of one of those guys as a child who would have stalked me. He was tall and lanky with hair that looked like blood oranges, a million freckles and a smile that didn't really look like it should belong to an oral surgen. But he gave me some "laughing gas" which failed its namesake miserably. I couldn't tell if it was working, I got a bit dizzy I think but that was it. I was still terrified, not laughing. I asked him what it was supposed to do (to give him a hint that I wasn't feeling any different) and he said it was supposed to relax me, yeah right. But he started getting the iv stuff and tied my arm and I pumped my fist and he tried to find the vein with my fingers, thats never a good sign. I asked the nurse to hold my hand while he gave me the IV. She tried, but it made me wonder if she had ever held anyones hand before. The iv was pretty bad like I expected, he wiggled and twisted the needle under my skin to find my vein. See, that part confuses me, I don't see how it really works. It seems you would make more of a bad puncture wound or something that looks like a masicistic sewing accident. But I tried not to squirm and he got it. Then he told me to take 10 deep breaths. I remember being sceptical of the gas because it didn't relax me before. But, I only got to 5 so it must have been doing something! Haha! The funny thing was, I really wanted to trust the gas. I remember while I was in pain with the IV thinking "breath deeper! This is supposed to help it not hurt" so maybe I breathed a lot in. So, I woke up and started crying. But only for a few minutes. The nurse said she thinks its a release of the anxioty because it happens a lot. My brother and stepsister also had theirs out today. So we are all being pampered to, which is really nice. Its times like these that I miss my mom though. I was trying to think of what my mom would have been telling me to comfort me in the waiting room, that helped a bit. I am such a baby compaired to her. I appreciate her strength so much when I got to hospitals or anything like that. But Lisa is being so great today, she is helping me alot. Well, now I have to try to feed myself so I can take a loritab. Weeeeeeee

Love and Proof Reading

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 06:45:19 GMT

So I've decided that I'm going to proof read my blog from now on. Doesn't that make you happy? Its kinda ironic that I don't like to, or even make the effort to proof read and I'm an English major. Oh well, we all have our faults!

The Road of Life

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 03:21:58 GMT

I'm not sure what I'm going to write today, I just felt like writing. Here comes my ramblings...

I was thinking the other day about my past. I'm sure you have heard people or of people who say that they loved their childhood and their teenage years but would never go back and do those years again. I used be really confused when I would hear someone say this. I couldn't help but thinking "why wouldn't you choose to be young and have all your choices to make again, and perhaps have a chance to make things better?" I am just beginning to realize why I personally would never choose to live my past again, even for the simple fact that life back then and even right now is far too stressful! I believe there is a common misconception that leads one to believe that if they had just made another choice or done something else than life would be so much better. Ok, as a disclaimer, its true that there are choices that definitely would be better if changed, such as murder, or that night you had one too many and can't remember how you came to wake up with a dog and a baby. But I'm not talking about those decisions, I'm talking about the decisions you make everyday and the people you come into contact with that sometimes lead you to wish you never met them. I think this is a big mistake. The Lord knows I have so many of those feelings, especially now when I have complicated my life a little bit recently, but I don't think I would change my past, near or long gone. Those decisions probably saved me from greater pitfalls that I may have taken otherwise. Honestly, sometimes it better to drive through those ugly potholes in the road instead of swerving off of the cliff on the other side of the road. My only regret is hurting others, or potentially hurting others. I hate to see those who I care for in any way shape or form endure pain that I had some part in causing. Unfortunately I am struggling with facing that I am going to have to hurt one of those people soon in hopes of this decision being a pothole and not a firey death. This is making me sad just writing and thinking about what I have to do. But I guess separation is a part of life and can not be avoided if you are concentrated on a goal.

This Ones For the Good People

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 22:49:29 GMT

As the title says, this post is going out to all the good people out there who do little things everyday and make a big impression. So, today I was worrying about my taxes because I felt like I had lost my W-2. Well, wonders happen when you clean your room and desk! I found my W-2 but I stood in the middle of my room staring at the oddly shaped white envelope and wondering "what now?" Thats right, this is a confession, I don't know how to do my taxes. Well, I decided to fork out the money and pay for someone to do it at H&R Block. Why H&R Block? Well, they have nice commercials I guess. See, this is how far of not knowing about taxes I go. I rely on my television once again to tell me what to do. I called them up half expecting them to say "What?! You haven't done your taxes yet? And you think we have time to do them for you?!" and at that time burst out in manical laughter. Luckily, the woman at the other end didn't mock me or even hint at the least bit of disgust at my lack of preparation. She said I could come in at 5 (30 min after the time I made the call mind you) and so I jumped at the chance and came down. She told me the appointment they schedule for an hour but try to get it done faster. She also said to expect about $100 fee. So, I get there and they usher me into the empty office with open cubicles. I was very surprised to so no one else in the building. The first few minutes were spent navigating the BYU Hawaii website trying to find a form for something called a 1098T. But, not surprising, BYUH didn't have it on their website. I tried to explain the BYUH lack of preparation but she insisted that because I they were apart of BYU they "should" have it. I just shook my head at her lack of understand of the BYUH system, seeing they didn't even answer my call when I called the financial aid office. Melody from FA has long been on my hit list. Well, after catching a glance of my W-2 she saw that my earned income this year was close to that of small rodents she decided that we didn't even need the 1098T. Whew! So all this brilliant woman does is fill out a sample form on her computer with my numbers and filled them into a hard copy for me. She had me sign and fill in my information (ie. name) and then we stuffed them in envelopes and they are sitting next to me right now waiting to be mailed. So, the appointment was tops, 15min and she didn't even charge me! This totally made my night! As you can very well see because I'm writing a blog about it, and I don't usually write in my blog unless something particularly stands out to me. But I just had to shout out to Ann from H&R Block for her amazingness and willingness to help an ignorant lost soul like me. More people should be like her. I've decided I'm getting her a card and some candy. On second thought, more people should buy me cards and candy too....

Liars

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 17:48:00 GMT

They said I would get an answer in 6-8 weeks. Its been over 10 weeks now! Ah! If you havn't been a regular reader of my whining, I'm talking about my grad school letters of acceptance/rejection. I guess its for the best though. Because, if I get accepted to a school in Boston or even Chicago like I wanted, its going to throw in a whole new confusion element to the decisions I have to make about love in my life. So, I guess I should be happy I don't have to think about it right now. But still, 10 weeks!!!

My Dream

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 04:30:33 GMT

Lips brush, fingers touch, salty breath laps my skin
But it is a dream.
Time consumes me
You said there is no time, but I feel every movment of the second hand proding my mind
Waiting.
Louder, louder, the moments pass reminding me of your absense.
Yet, we say.
Soon, we say.
I'll be here, I know
You'll be here, my dream.

Crazy Talk

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 16:05:44 GMT

I wish it didn't hurt so bad to get what you've always wanted. I am trying to take my life day by day but I stress myself out about the future too much. I know what I want and on my road to getting it, but I worry too much sometimes. I guess it comes from a lack of self trust. I really don't trust myself to make myself completely happy. I feel like I'm going to do something stupid to mess it all up. I know this probably sounds really emo right now and thats not what I intended and I don't hate my life or myself. Quite the contrary really, I just feel like I am often blind to the right choices and then I walk right off a cliff I should have seen the whole time and listened when everyone was screaming and telling me to stop. I'm sure you would probably be surprised to hear that I am really really excited for the future and finding out what it holds for me, but I can't help but be terrified right now. These next few months are going to be very telling for me. I am going to hear back with either acceptance or rejection letters from graduate schools and I'm going to be finding out if the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with is the person who I should. I just really hope that the grad school plans and the love plans don't but heads, but knowing my life, they probably will! Haha! One day at a time, right? I feel so out of control right now, I'm just waiting.

Decisions

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 19:46:05 GMT

I have a big decision to make soon, I wont tell you what it is (yet) because what I have come to learn is that most major decisions in life, no matter what they are all seem to connotate the same things. Seriously, school, children, marriage, even buying your first "real" car all bring the same panicked feelings. It seems like the number one worry going through my mind is regret. What if I decide to take the plunge and then am faced with regret because of circumstances out of my control. Actually, I think that last part is probably one of the most worrisome aspects, out of my control. I want to believe everything my heart says and every idealistic fantasy that roams through my thoughts and what my life could be like but I am afraid. I don't entirely trust what is being put in front of me, essentially yes, I do want proof that what is being promised will always be that way. I have recently become more and more frightened to trust myself and my life to others and I use my security blanket of disbelief to guard against the pain of betrayal. I know that non of this makes any sense outside of my mind but I needed to get it down. Writing my scattered thoughts somehow helps me piece some of my questions together, even if I don't get the answers, at least I know what I am asking. The thing about this decision is that its not all mine to make, which again, scares me because I have to confront both of my fears. I have to decide as much as I can, but it is largely out of my control, and I have to trust my feelings to someone else. I'm sure you will be hearing more confusing vents about this subject so I'm sorry if it gets old, but honestly, it is already so stale in my mind that I almost don't know how or if I want to breath life into it again incase I get crushed. Many of my friends say that I should throw it away forever, but, for some reason I can't bring myself to do it. I know ultimately its my decision to make and I am not going to let anyone interfere, but as of now, I wish I had a sign of whether I should trust the fantasy to become a reality or let it die. I guess I'm just a coward.